Words by Brett Porter
Photo: Bozhin Karaivanov

If you know how to read the titles to articles, you should have gathered by now that daddy is gonna learn you a thing or two about how to make a tasty and cheap pasta for when you’re feeling lazy or if you really need to impress someone after you bragged about your cooking abilities even though the extent of your culinary expertise is that one time you ordered Hello Fresh. Unlike every other recipe article, I’m not offering a three page thesis about how the ingredients remind me of a cold autumn day or about Christmases at Mee-Maws. The Captain is getting down to business.

Things you’ll need:

• One box of any pasta you like
• One block of cream cheese
• Two cans of cream of chicken soup
• A lil’ bit of heavy cream/half and half/milk (depending on how thick you want the sauce)
• Garlic Powder
• Onion Powder
• Everything Bagel Seasoning

Got everything? Good. Let’s make us some food.

Steps:

1. Boil and drain your pasta… I hope that’s self-explanatory enough
2. In a separate pot on medium heat, mix together your cream of chicken soup and your block of cream cheese. Fill one of your now empty soup cans with your heavy cream and dump that into the pot as well.
3. Once everything starts to become a saucy mix, throw in your spices. I do a tablespoon of garlic powder, a tablespoon of onion powder, and a metric fuckton of everything bagel seasoning
4. Mix in your pasta, let it sit for a few minutes, and eat as much as your body lets you

Total prep/cooking time: 15 minutes
Total cost: Just under $10.00

This recipe yields you four heaping bowls of pasta, so you’re spending less than $2.50 per bowl of goodness. If you wanna be a baller, add a bunch of those small sized shrimp. You don’t have to though; I’m not your dad.