Writer: Brett Porter
Photo: WWE

Did you watch any professional wrestling? If you didn’t, then boy oh boy are you missing out on a spectacle. I’ve always loved professional wrestling because it involves a balance of method-acting and raw athleticism. One of the ways wrestlers can build their persona is through the promos they cut. Good promos can give the story a great push and invoke more interest from the audience and therefore are a valuable tool, so today I’m highlighting five of my favorites I’ve had the pleasure of watching throughout the years.

5. The Rock Addressing Hell in a Cell

Dwayne “The Scorpion King” Johnson or however you know him as is arguably one of the most charismatic people to hold a WWE microphone. His character always got over in large part to his legendary trash talk. He’s cut countless promos, but my personal favorite takes place a week before his Hell in a Cell match against Kurt Angle, Rikishi, The Undertaker, Triple H, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. The Rock goes down the list of his opponents and tears them all down with his unmatched tongue-lashing.

4. Booker T and the ECW

After Vince McMahon bought the rights to Extreme Championship Wrestling, he worked right away on reviving the lude, crude, and aggressive brand it once had. This sparked a series of crossovers between the rosters of Raw, Smackdown, and the newly acquired ECW. One of my favorite bits I remember watching live was the first encounter between Booker T and his Wife Sharmell (during his King Booker gimmick) and ECW veteran Balls Mahoney (RIP). Of course, there was a lot of shock from the royal family upon meeting this specimen. Something about how awkward the encounter felt as a viewer made it memorable to me. I got to see Booker T’s charisma on full blast on multiple occasions, but for the five time, five time, five time, five time, five time champion to be at a loss for words really showed the juxtaposition between the brands. Seriously, imagine finding out you get a new coworker and he tells you his first name is Balls. Are you going to act like that’s normal? Didn’t think so.

3. Randy Savage’s Boiling Point

The Macho Man is one of the most iconic and influential stars to ever wrestle in the squared circle. He was part of some incredible storylines, and knew how to get the people’s attention. After the Mega Powers disbanded, Savage went on to rag on his former tag team partner Hulk Hogan about his lack of loyalty among other things. I don’t know who else could use the phrase “hot-doggin'” as an insult and deliver it in such an angry manner, but like every line of the almost five minute promo, he delivers it with such intensity that he actually starts sweating… profusely. If this all wasn’t enough, you can feel the intensity in his staredown with the camera as he throws his glasses and declares he’s officially hit his boiling point. One thing is for certain, and that is that I would have never wanted to get Macho Man Randy Savage to the boiling point. He’d snap me like a Slim-Jim.

2. DX invades WCW

I could spend multiple articles talking about the complexities of the Monday Night Wars between WWF(WWE) and WCW. Some of the greatest matches and plotlines were hatched during this ratings battle between the two sports entertainment superpowers. Toward the end of this iconic rivalry, the future Hall of Fame faction of D-Generation X geared up for literal war in what would be one of the funniest promos ever cultivated. The well-meaning, overly goofy, and classically rebellious team went to the WCW headquarters in Atlanta demanding to speak to Eric Bischoff. The method-acting was a nice take on the cinema trope of pointing big guns at the enemy while saying “We just wanna talk.” The promo in and of itself is one of the best pieces of non-wresstling content the WWE has ever produced. This is purely my opinion, but I’ve always believed this skit helped put DX’s rebellious “bad boy” gimmick over and perhaps make it the mainstay that Attitude Era fans will remember forever.

1. Scott Steiner’s Math Equation

Scott Steiner has had a decorated career in professional wrestling. His character has always been that of a self-absorbed gym rat who totally never did steroids. Big Papa Pump joined Total Nonstop Action(TNA) in 2006, and two years later was put into a triple-threat match against former WWE legend Kurt Angle and TNA mainstay Samoa Joe. It’s hard to explain this promo though. What I didn’t know when originally watching this was the promo had actually derailed at some point, but Scott Steiner’s talent on the mic came in handy as he proved through on-the-spot complex math equations that he was the best. Without showing my work, the equation leaves Samoa Joe with an 8.3% chance of winning the match and Steiner with a 141.6% chance. See? The numbers don’t lie, and they spell disaster. Only Scott Steiner could wrap up this Common Core math by calling himself a freak in the bedroom… and having it go over. Just like any other time Big Papa Pump cuts a promo, this legendary performance begs the question: Is Scott Steiner an incredible actor or is he fucking nuts?

Well, that’s my list. I hope you enjoyed it. If you guys are interested, I’ll definitely try to write more wrestling pieces, because who out there hasn’t wanted to give someone the People’s Elbow at least once?