Writer: Brett Porter

Hey its The Captain here and while I am not busy with Mirth, I like to spend some of my time bartending at a dive-bar in Glens Falls, NY. I’ve been here for almost two years, and have seen a pattern of how people are and how it correlates with their drink order. With that in mind, I decided to give some off the cuff judgements about how people are based on what drinks they order. There’s no rank order. There’s only my super judgmental opinions.

Disclaimer:
These are my opinions based on the types of people who come to MY bar and order certain things. I’m not singling anyone out by any means. Enjoy…

Ready? No? Fine. Run to the bathroom quick. Good now? Sweet; here we go.

Lemon Drop Shots: You’re trying way too hard to make friends with the other women at the bar.

Vodka, Club Soda, Splash of Cranberry Juice: You’re either diabetic, watching your calories, or a retired flight attendant.

Cape Codder (Vodka, Cranberry Juice, Lime): If you’re over 55, this is has probably been your drink of choice for a while. You’re a retired lawyer. If you’re under 55, you’re either the child of a millionaire or a pretentious douche. Maybe even both.

Cement Mixer (Irish Cream Liqueor, Lime Juice): You ordered this for someone else at the bar with the hope of either ruining their night or making them throw up. Regardless, you likely found this mood-killer online and wanted to personally witness how diabolical it is.

Malibu Baybreeze (Malibu Coconut Rum, Pineapple Juice, Cranberry Juice): You like to drink cocktails that don’t taste like they’re full of liquor. You resort to this mixed drink when you’re reluctant to go out with your friends but join up anyway. You don’t want to be the only person not drinking so you instead pick a drink with low alcohol and high taste value.

Busch Drafts: This one’s kind of a wildcard. You either appreciate a good bargain when going out, or you know damn well you’re here to get as drunk as possible on a limited budget. You probably enjoy pub trivia, jam bands, and a nice round of disc golf.

Jack Fire: You love getting a group of people together just to yell that you’re “getting the band back together.” You don’t particularly enjoy shots but can tolerate cinnamon whiskey enough to slug one to fifteen of these in a night out.

Long Island Iced Tea (Vodka, Gin, White Rum, Tequila, Triple Sec, Cola, Lemonade): Whatever it is you’re escaping from in the real world is powerful enough that your only solution is to flush it out one drink at a time. With this concoction being mostly liquor, you’d think it wouldn’t take too many, but boy do people surprise you

Bad Attitude (Vodka, Gin, White Rum, Tequila, Triple Sec, Amaretto, Sloe Gin, Southern Comfort, Cranberry Juice, Orange Juice, Pineapple Juice):

You’ve figured out just how many different liquors can fit into a pint glass before you have to start taking ice out to make room for everything. You’ve answered to “garbage person” at least once in your life. You don’t just want to get drunk in as fast a manner as possible, because that’s not extreme enough. You want to blow a .14 after your first drink. You’ve tried at home to find a way to make so many liquors mix together and not taste like paint thinner but haven’t succeeded yet.

Rumple Minze: You’re also a bartender. You enjoy pushing this shot onto people for little more than your own amusement. The service industry has slowly ate away at your soul and your only remaining source of enjoyment is getting hammered while maintaining a minty fresh breath.

Vodka and Red Bull: You find cocaine to be too expensive. If not that, you’re freshly 21 and haven’t learned that uppers and downers arent supposed to mix.

Craft Beer/IPAs: Some of you like to slowly sip at a beer and truly savor the taste. Some of you have realized these things are so filling that you don’t need to eat if you drink enough of them. You hate all music made after 2000.

Hard Ciders: Social drinking isn’t something you’re very familiar with. You’re probably an introvert trying to see if you can socialize but you put your foot in your mouth as soon as someone looks your way.

Liquid Marijuana (Spiced Rum, Coconut Rum, Melon Liqueor, Blue Curucao, Lemonade, Sprite): You get so caught up in watching your bartender pouring from four bottles at once that it never occurred to you that your drink is almost entirely sugar. You have too much appreciation for how cool your drink looks that you never stopped and wondered why these never get you drunk.

Gin and Tonic: You’re the ball on a roulette table. You land on one of three picks. You’re either a hipster, a retiree, or an independently wealthy tradesman. All of these people somehow prefer the taste of the only liquor that smells like Pine Sol.

Hard Seltzers: If you’re not worried about calories, you’re drinking these because you find an appeal in drinking the liquid equivalent of television static with a fruity aftertaste.

Budweiser(Bud Heavy): You’re one more DWI away from really ruining your life.

Bud Light: You panicked when the bartender took your order and chose the safest option.

Stella Artois: You think people who drink Miller Lite are below you even though they’re basically the same beer.

Snakebite Shots (Yukon Jack, Lime Juice): You’re secretly banking on blacking out and waking up in your own bed.

White Russian (Vodka, Coffee Liqueur, Milk): You still get a little excited when the ice cream man comes around.

Black Russian (Vodka, Coffee Liqueur): You love telling your children that there’s ice cream in the freezer.

Jameson Shots: You still think it matters that your DNA test shows you’re 11% Irish.

Green Tea Shots (Jameson, Peach Schnapps, Sour Mix, Sprite): You find it way easier to break the ice on a date over a shot as opposed to actually talking to them, and you hate the taste of Jameson.

Sex on the Beach (Vodka, Peach Schnapps, Cranberry Juice, Orange Juice): Your personality was molded entirely by the cast of Desperate Housewives.

Jager Bombs (Jägermeister, Red Bull): You have acknowledged you’re beyond the point of being saved, so you’re seeing how bad things can get.

Spiked Arnold Palmer Iced Teas: You’ve calmed your angry mother down at 2am by playing Brooks&Dunn’s 1991 hit “Neon Moon.” You woke her up because you were outside with your boys, being a little too loud with a fire a little too out of hand.

Bud Platinum: You have a thing for classic cars. You still don’t quite grasp the internet. Or Facebook. Or Credit Cards. Or social cues.

Black Velvet Cocktails: You consider value way more than you consider price. You appreciate Canadian whisky (that’s how Canadians spell it so don’t yell) but find Crown Royal to be too rich for your blood.

Jell-O Shots: You’ve tried to get your gal pals drunk enough to buy sex toys from a catalogue.

Pink Moscato: You’ve SUCCESSFULLY gotten your gal pals drunk enough to buy sex toys from a catalogue.

Genessee: You idolize your grandfather. You wish you could have lived in a time where you could work at the local factory and make enough money that your high school sweetheart wife could stay home to watch the kids. That of course, all fades away when you remember you’re 33 with no marketable skills.

There’s so many more I could do. If I did though, this would go from being an article to being a short story. You guys deserve better than that. If our article reading fanbase enjoys this piece, maybe I’ll pick up where I left off. Until then, make a trip to your local watering hole and grab the drink that suits you best. Love you, bye.