Writer: Brett Porter

A lot of people forget that at the end of the day, the differences between the common man and most professional athletes are pretty minimal… so long as you omit their higher net worth, their near-peak human condition, and most importantly, being absolutely batshit crazy half the time. With any good sports broadcast comes many opportunities for these specimens of people to say some pretty memorable things. Without further ado, here’s my five favorite quotes in sporting history.

Disclaimer(s): This is a light-hearted opinion piece and I’m just showing these to you in the hopes you agree, and maybe you’ll buy me a beer the next time I see you. If you don’t agree with these, then find ones you like better, make a website, and write your own article on the matter. Also, I’ll try to link videos so y’all have a better understanding of the context surrounding these quotes, which as I write this list is starting to sound like a better and better idea.

5. “Who do you think you are, I am!” -Pete Weber, 2012

Pete Weber, son of equally legendary bowler Dick Weber, was chasing his fifth U.S. Open title over his 25 year career. In a nail biter of a showdown between him and Mike Fagan, Pete Weber was, according to his own account of the day, being heckled by a nine year old in the audience. Keeping his cool, Weber won in the last frame by one pin, and immediately started yelling a bunch of random shit to the entire crowd, including that legendary phrase.

4. “I finished it. I don’t start nothin'” -DeAndre Hopkins, 2015

One of the most dominant wide receivers of the last decade, DeAndre Hopkins has amassed jaw-dropping stats in his career, despite being on bad teams more often than not. Exhibit A, the Houston Texans get selected to be on an episode of Hard Knocks, a series that documents and highlights one struggling team in the NFL each season. As part of the off-season, many teams will hold joint practices with another team, which in this instance, was the Washington Redskins. Hopkins was lined up with DeAngelo Hall, Washington’s then starting safety. After D-Hop won a couple routes, Hall got irate and started to, well, get too familiar. Hopkins held one of the most intimidating deadpans while constantly chirping back things such as “We could box” and “I fear God, bruh” multiple times over. Fast forward about 23 business seconds to the next play, Hopkins and Hall are lined up with each other, and as Hopkins runs his route, he fakes out Hall so badly that he basically broke the dude’s ankles. After calling a halt to the practice and medical staff getting Hall off the field, you can hear a mic’d up DeAndre Hopkins saying “I’m already breaking ankles” before he basically deadpans coaching staff and making sure they know he didn’t start nothin’.

3. “I was gonna rip his heart out. I’m the best ever. I’m the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been. No one can stop me. Lennox is a conqueror? No! He’s no Alexander! I’m Alexander! I’m the best ever. I’m Sonny Liston. I’m Jack Dempsey. There’s never been anyone like me. I’m from their cloth. There is no one who can match me. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I’m the ferocious. I want your heart! I want to eat his children!” -Mike Tyson, 2000

Okay, so that was a lot to take in. This emotional rollercoaster of a quote came from a post-fight interview soon after Iron Mike hosed Lou Savarese and won by TKO in 38 seconds. I wanted to avoid going down a rabbit hole about how savage of a boxer Mike Tyson truly was but here we are. It’s one thing to be cocky, especially in combative sports, but if you ever watch clips of a young Mike Tyson and don’t shudder at how intimidating the man was, you’re lying to yourself. He’s the self-proclaimed baddest man ever, and it would be difficult to find anyone as straight up ruthless as him. If you watch this clip and don’t think, fuck, he could actually rip out Lennox Lewis’ heart, you are, again, lying to yourself. The craziest part about this fight? This wasn’t even his fastest knockout…

2. “I’d like to take this chance to apologize… to absolutely nobody!” -Conor McGregor, 2016

A lot is omitted from this quote, but the part about this quote that makes it list-worthy is how genuine Conor McGregor sounded at first. You have this brief second where he acknowledges that he’s kind of been a provocateur in the locker room since making it as a main card UFC fighter, and then boom, he’s the same charismatic prick that we all know and love. After showing Eddy Alvarez how not to retain a title, McGregor becomes the first fighter in the company to be crowned champion in two weight classes simultaneously, showing utter dominance in both the featherweight and lightweight divisions. Guess he had a lot to be sorry for.

1. “This is the only sport where you can kill a man and get paid for it at the same time… so why not use my right to do so?” -Deontay Wilder

Although I could field arguments all day as to why Mike Tyson’s quote should be first instead of this and any other completely subjective measurements as to why I’m wrong, I’m gonna leave it this way. Mike Tyson during his prime could probably devour any human being on the planet, but listening to him, you have an idea as to who Iron Mike is, what he stands for, and the general all-around fact that the dude was batshit during his athletic prime. Deontay Wilder has in the most layman of terms made it a point to remind the viewing audience that the last thing he wants on his resume as a boxer is a fucking body. He wants a real life body on his record. Not any Call of Duty nonsense or any Rocky IV shenanigans, a real life body on his record. When he said this, he not only sounded like one of the most smooth-talking psychos in sports, but he sounded like he was more than capable of actually killing someone in the ring. Fortunately for all of us, some fat guy from the UK smoked him in two of three legendary bouts.

So that’s it. I hope y’all learned something from this. Maybe you learned more about me. Maybe you learned more about yourself. If I missed something out of the zillions of sports quotes that have been spoken, please, as I said, make your own article, and tag me on Facebook, and I will viscerally rip it apart. Love you, bye.